Kati. 18. West By-God Virginia.
Whatcha wanna know?
I blog pretty much whatever interests me. Nancy Drew fan. Literature interest. Music enthusiast. Funny posts are my bread and butter. Avid coffee consumer. I guess I'm something of a free-spirit. Walking daily with my Father. Love is patient. <3
I am so messed up right now
The boy who’s had my heart from the beginning.
And the one who will have it until the very end.
I shouldn’t throw your stuff away. Or our pictures, Or anything that reminds me of you. “He was a part of your past and you’ve changed because of him. You shouldn’t forget that,” is his argument.
I don’t want to hold onto these things. I don’t want to keep your shirt that I used to fall asleep with every night,or that silly rabbit you gave me for Easter. I don’t want to hold onto all of our pictures in that album I made for us. I don’t want to see the dried flowers you gave me from that Valentine’s day- the best one I’ve had yet. I don’t want to see you in my senior pictures or even see my senior pictures and remember all the things that you made me laugh at.
That day sucked. Taking pictures sucked. I don’t want to remember how you made it so much better. I don’t want to pull on my fuzzy pajamas and think about all the layers I would put on before sneaking out my window to your waiting arms. The footprints in the fresh snow. Falling asleep in your arms night after night in the freezing cold. You walked me all the way back home and made sure I was okay. Gave me a quick kiss and made sure to text me when you got home. Safe.
How many nights did I run away with you?
How late did we stay up just holding each other? Going over all our hopes and dreams and failures and triumphs and heartaches?
Do you remember what I said that second night in my mom’s old house? I lay on top of you and whispered, “You deserve someone who loves you Every. Single. Day.”
Do you remember how wide you smiled?
Do you remember how hard you kissed me?
How many times do you think we passed that phrase to each other? Every. Single. Day.
And I did. I gave you everything I had.
Do you remember your reluctance to sleep with me that first time? Haunted by girl friends past? Your relief when, after we were done, as we lay on your bed breathing, I sighed, “Please don’t leave me after this.”
Because you thought I would leave you?
Do you remember the item we were in high school? COnstantly at eachothers side, regardless of what was going on? Always in the practice rooms kissing and talking about music theory and you listening to me play Debussy? Do you remember all those walks we took around your neighborhood, or the way I freaked out when I first met your parents?
Do you remember how your mom stood up to Grammi for me? How you looked at me with concern when I cried as your mother, your MOTHER, said she was proud of me?
Do you remember the first time we went to mass? That ridiculous dress I wore?
Do you recall the first time you called my house? Or how you’d play that extra beat in Emerald Eyes, look up at me and wink?
Do you remember sitting with me during Footloose? Listening to me rant about the world? Pushing me to do better in school than I ever had before?
Do you remember being my rock when I had no one? Telling me not to be so afraid and then helping me leave home? Do you remember all those pep talks you’d give me? All those trips to the mall? Eating at Jims? Matti? That time I tied my scarf to your car so you’d have it? That blanket I made you? The time I decorated your locker and you left it up all year? That time we made pretzels at Deanna and Joes, or how you taught me how to use a knife?
Alex is afraid I’ll forget the boy who helped me become who I am now.
I won’t. I have my memories.
What I want to forget are all the nights I spent crying and wondering what I’d done wrong.
Realizing that I would never be top priority.
Feeling like I was nothing and unattractive because you never really wanted me. And if we ever did anything, it was routine. And conditional.
Never knowing if you were going to wake up one morning and leave.
Dad wondering why you never wanted to hang out with me.
Being blamed for lack of time with your friends.
Never getting a good morning.
Never getting a good night.
Never being called first.
The lack of interest when we hung out unless I got you something.
Being taken for granted.
Getting into fights every. single. night.
The “I’m too busy” ‘s
Begging to get you to see me.
Feeling less than loved
And in the end? Knowing it would never be me you really wanted.
Knowing you would never fight for me.
Feeling ashamed for thinking about the future. Feeling ashamed for asking if you even wanted one.
Feeling ashamed for falling in love with someone else. Even though you and I had really broken up a long time ago.
You are far too wrapped up in yourself. Far too big-headed now. Far too scared of being shot down to take a chance. Far too sure of yourself. And very much immature.
I won’t forget.
But I also don’t need to remember anymore.
Here’s a brief rundown of my life as of late.
- The second half of my heart is finally back where it belongs.
- Going Black Friday shopping with Alex and he not minding every time I said, “OH ALEX! Look how cute this is!”
- Not failing English
- In perhaps less than three months, I may be the happiest girl in the triverse
- Gin came in town
- Alex’s parents don’t hate me
- ITS ALMOST FREAKING CHRISTMAS TIME HOLY COW
- MATH FINAL IS SATURDAY!
- I do not have this Thursday off
- My computer virus is coming back
- The Book Thief was a complete waste of my life and only made me mad